Time: 11:56
Place: Sarah's
Just after breakfast, after a sleepover, after a party.

Things I love about Germany (my head is just as unorganized as my typage, and pardon the messy english- i've given up on anything that'd resemble eloquent, AP student...-ness.):
1. holy crap. the mcdonalds are CLASSY. They look like restaurants, with cafes that resemble starbucks on the inside. It gives the feeling of you actually WANTING to sit and eat there. Nils bet Dominic that if Nils bought 5 euro worth of food, dominic wouldnt be able to finish it. Oh nils. So evil. He was talking about ketchup and mayo. (each packet is 25 cents, 20mL)
2. They party hard, but safe. American kids just seem to slam the shots and get wasted, but its a social thing here :)
3. The Greenery (haha. Its not just my english going down the pooper. green and scenery. get it?)
4. The People. I don't know why my mother and sister warned me that the germans weren't friendly. Sure, they're more reserved than the American families I know in the bay area, but they're all quite lovely. On my first night with my host family, they said the word 'shit' multiple times - adorably with their accents. Fritz is bloody hilarious, destroying awkward moments as often as he creates them.


Friday was the first day in Germany where I felt like myself again.
Marina went to watch The Reader auf Deutsch with her German class, and since Nils was going as well, I didn't want to intrude so I went to school with Dom and Fritz. (btw I LOVE fritz's mom. she peer pressured me yesterday but more on that later :) )
Fritz's first class was art, so we did nothing but sit around and talk. I introduced myself to more people and continued to talk to even more (oh god, i know that thats not how i would say it if i was more well practiced in english, but...). I've come out about how I believe Konstantin looks like a Löve (Lion) and I drew post-it notes for everyone. Yostos was playing music out of this yellow and black speaker..thing.
My third class was my presentation for a politics class that was currently studying obama. It went better than the first presentation we had, but that really isnt saying much.
Fritz had free period fourth and fifth period, so dom and i hung around with Rent Good Hands' bakesale, and met the people there
Sixth was a meeting (completely pointless). Herr Lynch was still in austria, so FJ was leading it...pointless pointless pointless. Walking to seventh, I introduced kt to konstantin and he listened to the song :) KONSTANTIN AND KONSTANTINE ha!
7th was Chemistry. Talked to Bonnie, Dakota, and dom. Half the class was missing, but I met Christine, and another guy with a peterfox shirt. Alexandria, yostos, konstantin were also in this class and I talked ot them all more :)
After school, fritz dom and i walked around the city and ate Kochlöffel. Dom got his new tradition of Pommes mit Kirsch(en?)Eis (fries and ice cream) and we saw Thao and Dakota and waited for dragonboating with them. Dom bought speakers from Saturn, and loved them 'i think this is the best purchase ive ever made'. We met up with Timo, Isa, and Bonnie and walked to Dragon Boating - Der Herford Kanu Klub.

Americans won. Twice. Thank you, american ego.

AFterwards, marina and i returned to her house to shower and whatnot before going to the bars.
It was adorable, since her father came with us. On the way, we passed by the Go!Park and they pointed out girls dressed for the club, 'i know, she looks like a bitch.' It was unglaublich, the way they were dressed. Shocking.
We met up with nils, florian, and thosten (?), and later nils parents came. It was strange, seeing the way parents interact with their children, joking, laughing, and making sex jokes.
We ended up hitting three bars - New Orleans, an american styled one, then the oldest bar in herford-more traditional, and a third where i got in trouble for taking pictures. I had my first Herforder Pilz. I am not a fan of beer, so Im not sure how to feel about it, but I drank colas at the other places. It was sort of awkward, but the pilz helped a lot with that, i must say. We went home around 1, the second marina said she was tired, her father said it was time to go, it was so cute. Fritz kinda looked sad towards the end :(

I slept till 15:00 saturday.
Woke up, showered, and went to watch TRANSFORMERS auf deutsch. Had no idea what was going on, but the effects were amazing.
I got peer pressured by Fritz's mother. Thanks Dom, for NOT HELPING.
'Listen. You can eat here, then we'll take you to the party. okay?'
'But-'
' *sigh*...Lieber Gott.'
Got to Sarah's, and left immediately via Mrs. Barsch's vehicle to Jana - a lovely italian girl for her 18th birthday. Her family was so cute!!! Ate a lot of steak and kartoffelsalat. Met Franci, Tobi, Hannah, etc. Pictures must be uploaded
'If youre going to drink more, you gotta eat more.'
Good advice, KT
left around 11 to Robin's birthda party
Met Marcel, Timo, Tom, Christoph, Dennis with KT. so much easier to meet new people with her :)
Met the girls :( idk why two groups cant mix together.
I dont like beer.
Poor dennis was throwing up for two hours, according to marcel D: So i went out into the street to talk with him until he felt better. Germans are fascinating.
KT is the popular ;) and patrick, sarahs brother, is really nice
Got home at 6am this morning

Photopost 1

The Jugendherberge (youth hostel), in Burg Stahleck (castle stahleck) in the sweet old town of Bacharach, where I stayed for the first three days in Germany! This was the view from the station we were dropped off at by the train.

The view from my youth hostel :) over the Rhine River. The sweet couple sitting next to me on the plane pointed it out as we flew overhead 'Rhine. Reevar. Water.' Tons of castles line each side of the bank, with the towns below it. For my castle, the walls stretch out around the town (or whats left of the walls, anyways..)
I and Katie! Yes. It was pouring and we were exploring a(nother) castle. She is quite the hottie among the germans here ;)In Koeln (Cologne) last wednesday taking a 3 hour stop before Herford with our hosts. Katie and I ate Doenner ( turkish stuff. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good) and took pictures of the really adorable girl serving us. The Koelnner Doem houses the bones of the three wise men, and a buncha other really cool stuff.

oh my god transformers comes out tomorrow and frity, nils, and florian said they were taking the guys to go watch it and i could come too (i want to go so marina can spend time with her bf...i think i got her in trouble today :( )


This morning i woke up at 615 and took a shower (i think i went ahead of pascal - yesterday i had to wait for him) then breakfast with marina (toast with homemade strawberry jam from a family friend! so good!) and made lunch/snack? (sandwich with the jam and butter... that's how marina made hers, so i wanted to try it) and fritz's mother picked marina and i up with dominic and fritz in the car again todaz :)

tried recording the ten minute ride to school - blocked up my memory card so i only had 180 photos left from 864!
I met Fritz's girlfriend becki (spellling?) today! she's small and spunky. i like her for sure
Art with marina! sat with dom and talked about dominic david mendivil's rules for selling out as a band haha while marina painted her favorite things. I met jostof? and alexandria in art. It seems like i start each day shy and slowly work my way up to normal...
then there was a break between the classes and i went to the cafeteria to be with the other GAPPers and talked :( i miss martin! he's so easy to talk to! Marina had a free fifth period, so she was there as well with her own friends.
At 10, we went with frau weisner to go to city hall to meet the burgermeister, the mayor, of herford. On the way we walked through Vision, a local festival and it was very cute, ren faire-style. im in love with the dogs and puppies here! they're all beautiful
the city hall was an old old old wooden room, intricate but not particularlz showy, square with circle levels of comfy leather chairs. they had a pad of paper, a pen with HERFORD on it, and a keychain for us, plus a glass of orange juice (pulp! ) and he talked about the history of the citz while herr lynch translated. after he left, we took photos of us sitting in his chair :)
katie, dom and i are spending a lot of time together! not that i mind, normally i neve see them around and they are different enough so that i enjoy their compannyyyy

walking back i saw marina studying in the caf with her friends, jonas? and josef and jenny and sat witth them. then i moved to play cards with terrick and tung and dom and gordon and katie.
ÄGYPTIAN KRIEG: herra popular :)

chemistrz with fritz dom, nils, and another girl (never introduced herself) and seco-mon! i understood their handout and was teaching frity hos to flip his pencil and catch it. we talked about hwo they have windows here but not in san jose, since crazy people will come and shoot us...


lunch with marinas father, pascal, imgard, und marina! chicken with fieldsalat and pommes (fries)
call from home once i got to the bbq school DLRG place :) it was nice speaking with mz parents again
i love the german children here! they are so sweet and cute when they speak english to me :) i took a picture iwth max(marcel) and jonas and i met arianna :) :)
jumpdance?
i met a guy and his younger brother conner..forge tthier name but going to a dinner with them tomorrow night..
fooled with dom! the rope an theh electric barbed wire fence


florian alder loooks kinda like heath ledger from a knights tale
florian has a crazy jawline
marina is so beautiful


it seems like my english is getting stilted and less smooth now that i am here...

I LOVE GERMANY

HERFORD; EVERYTHING



EXCEPT THE KEYBOARDS EVERZTHING IS WEIRDLZ PLACED

"But I want beer!"

I love this city
Its so old-school and quaint
Tomorrow we're going to Koeln and then meeting our hosts in herford
The weather here is totally unpredictable! The first day it was sunny and warm, the second it rained all day (i watched lightning with katie marshall) and today it was cloudy and breezy and rained later on


I'm living in a castle.
A CASTLE.'

Burg stahleck!

i am in bacharach

on dakota's laptop.

...


its beautiful here

i'm very sleepy

ithrew up a storm last night.

A few of my favorite things

The night before I leave for Bacharach, DL:
I realize i'm going to miss them ladies
You've been good to me
Inconcievably


Things James suggests for Germany:


1) don't waste a minute, or you'll come back regretting
2) experiment with a new life, if you like it then you've found a better lifestyle
3) remember this is a once in a lifetime opportunity
4) you're serving as an ambassador for our country, so don't be an ass (; (as with my student I'm hosting)
5) Have fun. A no brainer lol

I do believe this trip will be good for me
Don't forget me!

Bruce Nauman is amazing.

Ebb

"Denial," she confessed.
"I thought so" he soberly replied. "As if one heart could comprehend another."
"I hoped it could have." the whisper came from the dark. "I know better now."




To be honest, it hurts a lot.
To be honest, its like being punched in the face, the gut.
Like kicking someone when they're already down.
Cheap shots.
Like blowing holes in your chest.
Like thick bands squeezing the air out of you.
But what "it" is, I don't know anymore.



To protest the untruths is worse than never hearing them at all.



I am not a particularly strong person.

sdf

I'm careless and I'm cruel, but I"m still easily bruised.
I'm so sick of lying about it.
I'm not bulletproof.

"The Problem, as I see it.
Since when did we get to a place where the girl has to convince the guy of her love? If he doesn’t see it, isn’t that his loss? Why do I have to spend my time pointing out how amazing I am, how good I would treat you, how you can’t live without me? I’m sorry that you’re blind, I really am. It makes my life a bit frustrating and it leaves your life lacking. I just don’t understand what happened that made it my job to try to a) fix and b) make up for your stupidity.

I am not some girl that will sit here and plead with you to be with me. Girls have been taught that valuing ourselves is stuck up and arrogant and bitchy. In reality, it is just wanting you, the boy, to value me, too. Asking to be a priority isn’t demanding; if you really care about me, I should already be one. Asking for a commitment isn’t putting you on a leash; if you like me that much, other girls shouldn’t faze you. Asking for your affection isn’t clingy; if you are as captivated by me as you say you are, I will be the one having to fight you off.

The truth is - if you really like me, I shouldn’t have to prove myself to you. I shouldn’t have to spend my days trying to open your eyes.

The truth is - if you really like me, you will be the one proving yourself to me and trying to open my eyes.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Can we please get this through our heads? "

-therevolutionstartsnow

One Quiet Day

Trinity College Library
I'm seething with jealousy. This looks like a place for adventure

"A Library Wedding" from the lovely Nibs

On my book list:
Extremely loud & Incredibly Close - Jonathan Sanfran Froer
Les Miserables (although, for this one i can settle for the OST, the TAC version, or the movie :])
The Time Traveler's Wife Dancing on Thorns Love Letters of Great Men

I've forgotten how much I adore libraries. Must visit soon.

"I want to get married in a library."
"That's what I was just thinking!!! You look like you would."
"totally."

haha, James finally met E today, and said "you two are like sisters"
好痛~

Slept with Emily for two hours. Split the day in two.
Red Dragons, Dinosaurs, Red Zhong, Empty Hole, Red Eyes
checkcheckcheck!
TORPEDO!
Decorated Emily's room. Final projects and school stoppered up any creativity I had, so I let it out. Her room is cute. Minus the kite.
Biked to KFC with an 800 bike and back :)
SATC
13 on my left, 5 on my right
I'm either really stupid...or just really stupid.




I love Eponine! I'm so proud of Urbanski and ah! for doing PYT's production of Les Mis :)

And I know its only in my mind
And i'm talking to myself and not to him
And although i know that he is blind, still i say there's a way for us
I love him, but when the night is over, he is gone
the river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
Trees are bare and everywhere the streets are filled with strangers
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
All my life, i've only been pretending
without me, his world will keep on turning
a world that's filled with happiness that I have never known
I love him
I love him, but only on my own.

toohsieh: then I'm glad you're not with him

toohsieh: because he doesn't deserve you at all

Hello, dirt.

She fell today.
It wasn't uncommon, but it was her first, as she'd just learned the art of bicycle riding. Hoping to cool her head, she rode into unregulated territory - her place. She hoped to find peace and quiet for a restless heart and mind, to leave her disquiet behind. But fate impishly guided her elsewhere. As she reached the edge of the edenic circle with a sigh, grateful for the expected calm, and unseen obstacle heaved the bicycle, toppling her over. She stretched her arms to catch herself, feeling them jar with the impact, tremors racing up her arms, and rolled to avoid kissing the earth with her face.
With jittery breathing and a conglomeration of stinging and aching beginning to overwhelm the shock of the fall, she took stock of her injuries. Two scraped palms, one bruised knee. Satisfied, she curled up, cheek to dirt, gravel, dirt, dry grass pressing against her, offering a temporary haven.
It's not so bad. Fear of the fall is worse than the fall itself.
She felt the rustle of the trees, the speeding of cars, the chatter of life around her, and she listened.
Quiet.
Knowing no one would find her where she lay, she dusted herself off, careful not to wipe the blood streaming from her palms on the bicycle or her clothes.
Discovering that the chain had slipped, she limped home, wheeling the bicycle beside her.








i used to think people caught you when you fell.

Inhale

"Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful moulder of human destiny; how can such an all-compelling force be synonymous with that poor little State and Church-begotten weed, marriage?
Free love? As if love is anything but free! Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. Man has subdued bodies, but all the power on earth has been unable to subdue love. Man has conquered whole nations, but all his armies could not conquer love. Man has chained and fettered the spirit, but he has been utterly helpless before love. High on a throne, with all the splendor and pomp his gold can command, man is yet poor and desolate, if love passes him by. And if it stays, the poorest hovel is radiant with warmth, with life and color. Thus love has the magic power to make of a beggar a king. Yes, love is free; it can dwell in no other atmosphere."

-Emma Goldman, "Marriage and Love" in Anarchism and Other Essays (1911)

Boy, the final project for AP Lang has made me consume so much literature in such a short amount of time.
Like inhaling art.

My head is going to explode from all the things I want to say.

A weakness is not equal to a flaw, as I've discovered.

"an imperfection is a flaw and a weakness is something that you are don't have the strength for."

I suppose i listed my flaws earlier but my weaknesses? I haven't a clue.

I know I am nothing without my family. Not flesh and blood, but the adopted ones. J.O.K.E., E, AH!s, they are my support system and my life. Unconventional, guaranteed.



Procrastination.
as if, by doing other things, I might hold off the coming day, the coming deadlines, the push, the shove, the rush of a busy life.



I told you I had no heartbeat because I had no heart.
"They cut it out and took it," I explained.
I'm beginning to think its true.



....If this is the start of not sleeping again, I'm going to be very grumpy for a long time.

To Know The Human Heart

"anna deveare smith says that she is more interested in the pauses within a dialogue than the spoken words it contains. i'm starting to feel the same. it seems that the words i haven't been able to say lately are more indicative of my character than the words i actually manage to spit out. " - Yining

Okay, she declared. Let's think this through rationally.
I cannot accept what hurts me. TNB hurts me. A lot.
I hate being vulnerable. I am repetitively asked to try, to not give up, to explain, express. A lot.
I hate (what seems to me like) trying and failing. A lot.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being left alone.
Okay. My problems go deeper.

God, where are you taking me?
Henry prayed for me today, and within 3 seconds i started sniffling and streaming.
" You are beautiful. Don't listen to negative thoughts. Don't try so hard.He loves you for who you are. "
That was it.
Simple, unadorned, and enough to bring me to my knees.
Okay, i needed that.
Lately, it seems that all my expressions of sadness or hurt come without warning, out of the blue, at inopportune moments.
Watching UP, I didn't' just cry silently. I sobbed. Yes, at a cartoon. Within ten minutes, my feelings were intertwined with Carl's, his past my history, his success, my joy, his loss, mine. The two year old to my left turned to the source of the noise (badly smothered with both hands) and gazed at me, silently sucking on his soda, dry-eyed, my weeping incomprehensible. Or maybe, he understood more than I knew. Who knows. Children are wiser than we give them credit for.
Maybe I need to admit my flaws more often.


This seems like a good place to start.
I have a temper, a raging one, and lately the only way to quell it is to push it away. Let go, they tell me. I'm trying, i protest.
I can become unbearably sad if something triggers it.
I hate arguing in front of children.
I fall for artificial sweetness.
I become easily frustrated with my inability to speak my mind.
I am curious, even when it makes me angry
I am angered when I cannot understand.
I become easily frustrated with with the qualities that make me human, it seems.


They all ask hard questions. necessary, but hard.
"Not if I think its worth it, but do YOU?"
"What is love to you, Kimberly?"


So, if love is an active,( and being in love is passive: feeling it) and if love is putting the beloved's needs above our own desires:
What am I doing?
I cannot begin to comprehend another's needs, let alone my own.
Who am I to say I know the human heart?

I am seventeen, and tired.


Does anyone else feel lost?