To Know The Human Heart

"anna deveare smith says that she is more interested in the pauses within a dialogue than the spoken words it contains. i'm starting to feel the same. it seems that the words i haven't been able to say lately are more indicative of my character than the words i actually manage to spit out. " - Yining

Okay, she declared. Let's think this through rationally.
I cannot accept what hurts me. TNB hurts me. A lot.
I hate being vulnerable. I am repetitively asked to try, to not give up, to explain, express. A lot.
I hate (what seems to me like) trying and failing. A lot.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being left alone.
Okay. My problems go deeper.

God, where are you taking me?
Henry prayed for me today, and within 3 seconds i started sniffling and streaming.
" You are beautiful. Don't listen to negative thoughts. Don't try so hard.He loves you for who you are. "
That was it.
Simple, unadorned, and enough to bring me to my knees.
Okay, i needed that.
Lately, it seems that all my expressions of sadness or hurt come without warning, out of the blue, at inopportune moments.
Watching UP, I didn't' just cry silently. I sobbed. Yes, at a cartoon. Within ten minutes, my feelings were intertwined with Carl's, his past my history, his success, my joy, his loss, mine. The two year old to my left turned to the source of the noise (badly smothered with both hands) and gazed at me, silently sucking on his soda, dry-eyed, my weeping incomprehensible. Or maybe, he understood more than I knew. Who knows. Children are wiser than we give them credit for.
Maybe I need to admit my flaws more often.


This seems like a good place to start.
I have a temper, a raging one, and lately the only way to quell it is to push it away. Let go, they tell me. I'm trying, i protest.
I can become unbearably sad if something triggers it.
I hate arguing in front of children.
I fall for artificial sweetness.
I become easily frustrated with my inability to speak my mind.
I am curious, even when it makes me angry
I am angered when I cannot understand.
I become easily frustrated with with the qualities that make me human, it seems.


They all ask hard questions. necessary, but hard.
"Not if I think its worth it, but do YOU?"
"What is love to you, Kimberly?"


So, if love is an active,( and being in love is passive: feeling it) and if love is putting the beloved's needs above our own desires:
What am I doing?
I cannot begin to comprehend another's needs, let alone my own.
Who am I to say I know the human heart?

I am seventeen, and tired.


Does anyone else feel lost?