sleepthief

Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this
your eyes tell the same.
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe.
Cause I'm caught in suspension.


I don't like this feeling - like I'm fluctuating between raging emotions, pumping adrenaline and intensity, and an empty, wooden, heartbeat. The silence of the latter screams at me, grinding on my nerves and muting the present with the past.

why can't you feel anything? Like it matters, she shoots back. I can't change anything anymore. I don't want to. This is how things should have been, right from the start. But are you happy? the former persists. Is this what you really want? Even if I wanted it, its what i have. It's not about what I want anymore. Who says? Who says you have to settle? Mediocrity is not your strong suit. Don't you remember Edgebreak? "Dating does not equal love. Nor does marriage. Love is either there or it isn't. The rest is just sociology, psychology, and biology." Don't be ridiculous. I don't even have anything to say anymore. But only because you don't believe the interest is there. Like that matters. It didn't before. Before, a lot of things were different. Not really. I can't change anything. You don't want to. I could ruin everything. I don't understand anymore. Life isn't straightforward, you know that. How can you expect it to be? But I can't keep up with the games, the tests. One gesture, one facial expression, could change everything. It could mean everything, nothing, something. Word choice, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice. reasons. motives. flukes and accidents. impulses, mastered or otherwise. or... A's not a stranger. He is now. I can't guess at everything. Cut it out. You aren't made this way. This isn't how you work. Look around. People don't stay the same forever. Change is here, she smirked. The expression vanished. My self-control wasn't my strong suit before. It has to be now. But why? What could be so important? Fundamental change doesn't come easily. Stop. I can't play this game forever. We keep running in circles, racing to beat each other to the same conclusion. I know things can't be clean, sterilize, cut, open, stitch. Then why are you trying to do the same to yourself? Because I don't know any other way to keep going. There's no way to just say "Fuck it." anymore. Please. This isn't worth what you're doing to yourself. Then we need to change. Naivete isn't exactly romanticized. I won't stand still while the world changes. I can't. I won't. Don't stop me. Don't walk away from this. Watch me.

The sheer unkindness grates my skin.

Acceptance. Determination.

I still hate you, motherfucker.