Fall in love, stay in love,

Pre-Edit:
What I want to know is:
Why do we want what we can't have?

Stupid horse. Stupid lion


Unspoken words, indeedy.

God, I need your help.

I guess when I bring Jesus into my problems, things look a lot better.
I wish i could see myself from His perspective.
God's reality.
Out of the box?
Im scared of losing myself.

"Perfect love drives out fear... because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:18



Y said it best:
once every so often i need to be reminded that love, although beautiful and absolutely worthwhile, is not convenient but costly. love is more than an emotion; love is something that is fought for and won, bought and constantly paid for again, and again, and again; it is something whose worth increases the longer it endures.
i pick relationships as if i can pick the right people to love; perhaps i can recognize the right combination of interests, habits, values, background that will be easy for me to cherish. love, in this scenario, would come easily, and once present it would not leave.
that sort of love doesn't exist, and it will never exist for me. the first time i realized this i was angry, then afraid. love was harder to come by because it had to be summoned for real people, nurtured and grown for people even when i couldn't change them into what i had originally wanted. once i managed to love someone i had to pay for it in silences, in secret. but this is the sort of love i prefer to give to my father, mother and sisters. it is the only sort i would want to give them, because the number of changes made for their sake, the number of ways in which i have begun to understand them, the number of private sacrifices made for their sake have given that love a price.




I hate the way you care about what other people think
I hate the way you think about what's "best"
I hate the way you want to be close
I hate the way you want two things.
I hate the way I can't tell what you're thinking.
I hate the way you're selfish.
I hate the way I can't be independent of you. Like I'm passive. I'm not!
I hate the way you reminded me why i can't get close to people.
I hate the way you'll never know.
I hate the way you do your hair. (not really.)
I hate the way I want you.

I'm not scared of loving people
I'm scared of stopping.
I'm not scared of getting hurt
I'm scared of hurting you.
I'm not scared of what people say
I'm scared of you hating me for it.

I don't understand you. I think I'm beginning to be okay with it.
I want to be.

I love getting to know you
I love figuring you out
I love talking with you about nothing (seriously, nothing)
I love falling asleep with you
I love learning your stories
I love the challenges you give me
I love walking around with you
I love learning your perspectives


I'm scared of your judgment.
I'm scared of you leaving
I'm scared of your sadness. I don't think i understand it.
I'm scared of the face you put on for everyone.

I dont' want to change you
You won't let me, anyways.
I think i'd be satisfied just to love you.
I have a lot to lose,
I'm sad i'd be willing to lose it for you.

Edit: I don't think i love recklessly enough. One day i'm going to have to reconcile reality with hope, and i think the hardest part will be finding the balance between. But for now, I think I subconsciously enjoy hurling myself into situations where potential for injury is small, things are certain and safe. It takes hard work and vulnerability to build a relationship, as opposed to love being freely given between people. Its draining. Roomie had some truth in her, when she said that everyone has an allotted amount of niceness or affection to give, but I still think that knowing my limitations should hinder my exhuberance. Strongly sad, strongly happy. The tradeoff is worth it, but my fear of making any mistakes strangles me. The relationships i hold closest to me, i'm scared of losing.
In my fantasy land, I would have this unending supply of love and I could protect emmo and ant.
In reality, they have to deal with someone who can't accept any form of love, but has no problems with giving it.
If I look at it as a deal, the trade-off isn't worth the insecurity and fear. Failure on my end of the bargain.
But my perspective switches, a light goes off, I reevaluate.
I do everything because i want to, regardless of my motivation. My gift to you, because i don't have anything else to offer.
If i ever become a burden to you, i need you to tell me.
You two light up my life.

Em: I'm so glad we're so different, so glad we're alike. When we first met, being the cynical misanthrope that i am, i always wondered what you wanted from me. I couldn't ever see anything i could give to you. You gave me warmth, cheer, and love that i couldn't see anywhere else. Your beauty melted my clunkyicyrock(y) and you saw past my grumpy&grouchy exterior, reaching out to find me for me. And now, when you complain about how boys wouldn't talk to you if things were like they were in middle school, i think about how you were always you. It wasn't like magical qualities attracting affection and wants sprung out of nowhere; they were always there, always waiting for some fool to stumble over it. I'm just lucky i got there first. So excuse me if i beat the blind ones who think they've "got it" away. Those bastards.
You cover the gaping holes in me. The missing parts of me. You smooth over the broken parts of me.
I love how we don't always have good, constructive, intellectual conversations, and how easily you sense what i'm feeling. Maybe you don't know all my secrets, but i don't think that's necessary for you to understand me. I don't know if you knwo why i'm so harsh on the males in your life. I think you do. I can never say good-bye to you, and even the shadow of the thought of losing you hurts. Its never good-bye for us :) I'll love you always.

Ant: fool. What have you gotten yoruself into? Six years and look at where we are today.
You were always a puzzle to me. One moment of security, that I'd finally figured you out, that your motivations were unconvered, and another moment of fear, that I'd been wrong, and missed my mark. I guess people can say we've grown up together, that we're like siblings.
That's true.
It irritates me how you pretend not to care about some things, exceptwhen it comes to people's opinions. It breaks my heart when I imagine the possibilities of you getting hurt.
"A's a character" "A's so funny" True. But you're more than that two-dimensional icon. To everyone, you mean different things. A buddy for bad things, a tech junkie, a comedian, a nerd.
One day, maybe you'll feel safe enough with me to be honest, where you don't have to think about every response. I'm not angry with you, so much as myself. You're talented when it comes to people and emotions, even when you're so LOGICAL. I want the best for you, even when I don't know what it is yet. Our relationship is so messed up. Even though i'm not sure what it'll take, i want to make things right, with what you want, and what God wants for you (even though i know you dont' believe in that stuff. I DONT' BELIEVE YOU!) I'm a little scared that i'll love you stronger and more permanently than you'll know, in a way you won't accept. RIght now, i don't care. It's happening. When i'm scared that i can't give you want you need or want, i get angry and sad, which makes me lash out at you. Its not an excuse, its an explanation, and it doesn't justify.


You've taught me to love, in two different ways, by two different people. It's so natural to be with you two, to say what i'm thinking, and be myself. It's second nature for me to be pulled towards you two, to orbit around each of your burning stars. Like the white, pasty lookin' moon towards my earthly home. You two stretch and test my capacity. It's so easy to just watch what i'm going through, but you help anyways. It's not because i need to constantly be with you, its that i'd notice your absences from my life more than anything else. It'd be a deafening silence, contrasting with all the garbage and falseness that usually bombards me, the chattering voices, that, when you really listen, aren't quite saying anything worth hearing, the angry screeching of petty arguments, that make me numb, and the humdrum life without the magick and sparkle of life without you.

I feel like i'm waiting for that one moment, where i can say AHA! Now i'm a better person! Now I can make things better for the people i care about the most!
But I can't.
I'm changing, i'm learning, i'm growing and even when I find myself falling short...
"For all fall short of the glory of God"
He's there to pick me up :)
I thank Him everyday for giving me you two, for giving me the opportunities to love, and for people to accept me, craziness and all, even when I don't understand what they're doing.

P.S. Thankyou O, AH. You sweeties :)

To D: i swear i'll kill you if you mess up. I trust you you lamecake.

Father Pedro Arrupe

Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination,
will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you
out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you
with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

And if anyone finishes reading this post (yes i know its long!!!) i do love you, thank you for taking the time.