Disjointed.

When the rain comes in silence

What's happening?
I feel kind of lost.




I thought we were okay.
Everything seemed okay.
Like we were good friends.

I didn't do anything.
It's my fault?
But it isn't your fault.
But why is it mine's?


I like hanging out with you.
We're friends, right?




I mean, what exactly do you say to that?
Me being bad for you?

k: oskar

k: what does it mean when someone says you're bad for them?

o: you are fucking up what they have been doing?

i guess it makes sense, then.






I miss the rain.





Self-control.
breathe in, breathe out
let go.






Edit:
I lost it again today. That's twice in three days.
But, E, you were on the phone :) thankyou. I dont think you knew, but you sort of knew, but not reeeally
tissues rustle pretty loudly

"what song do you want me to play for you?"
" I wish i could sing so I could sing to you."
Sweetness is completely lost on me.
The bittersweet shocks me to the core, sending a current racing through me.
You're endearing, .
And incredibly nice.




angry rant time? :)
what the fuck man
there was a reason i never told you
there was a reason i was so scared to tell you
i thought that, if you didn't know
even if it hurt (me)
it would be fine
it'd be okay
things would work itself out.
you didn't need to know.
fuck what am i doing?
i cant lead people blindly
fuck fuck fuck
i wanted the best for you
its not me though
i'm okay with that!
i was hoping that maybe
one day
you'd find out when i told you
and maybe, just maybe
you'd understand
that i hate your guts
and love you to pieces
like
i dont know
i dont have a metaphor for that
it just hurts.
but now, you know
i can't change that
but you'll close yourself off
this, you know.
this is the last thing i wanted.
ever.
God, this hurts.
To breathe, to think.
I know i'm not dying
And i know i won't soon.
So i guess i'll have to live with seeing you everyday
and both of us knowing what could have been
and what is.
how the mighty have fallen.
Did i beg? i hope not.
"please"
fuck, i did.
my thoughts are disjointed, erratic, sporadic.
jerky.
but i know that i would hate to lose you
but i think i already have
i'm sad.
do you understand what this means?
but i want you to be happy
with me, with her, alone, with friends.
you dont deserve to be in my priorities.
but you are.
then again, when you think about it, no one deserves anyone else's love.
aha! i remembered!
i'm secretly jealous.
its difficult enough for two people to love one another at the same time.
you somehow, found two.
i seethe.
oh my God, that call was unsatisfactory
and it reeked of the past.
"unsatisfactory"
Have I lost you already?
If you leave, I don't know if you'll be back.
I'm scared.
I want to give you a hug ):
Wildly inappropriate.
fuck.
mind, heart, hormones.
They never agree.
remember
there is good in this world
there is good in this world
there is good in this world
and you are loved.
but fuck, man
if you wanted it of me
i would have stayed with you until the end.
and now that, i finally felt like i could be friends again!
you HAVE to overhear.
i'm tired of being scared of hurting you
and tired of being angry at you
and being sad that you dont' understand
i'm tired of having my happiness depend on you.
but i would never want to see you hurt on account of me
but if it had to be that way
i would want to be there.
i dont think i can cry in front of you.
strange.
its not me, its you.
i'm over thinking again
AH! warned me not to.
i'm sad to see people sad on my account.
i'm here to please.
people pleaser? fuck!
i'm incoherent, uneloquent, crass.
i do think you're cute, though.
and i love you.
goddamn
does it hurt you?
i can't tiptoe around you forever.
i have to know.
i must.
i'm scared to know.
dont let me forget what's been said.
if this is what you want
then by golly
all i wanted was to be you friend
but shit happens

k: do we have to do this?

: Yes.

don't let me forget.

people can't always be the person you want them to be. but maybe they can be that person for someone else, and you're the one who has the problem. i like consistency. 30% from someone cannot be equivalent to 90% from someone else; that reveals an inherent flaw in judgment.



What's that sound? It's terrible.
Ah, yes, that. came the reluctant reply.
Well? he snapped impatiently.
Well.... timidly, hesitantly.
Out with it; I don't have all day.
It's the sound of hearts breaking.
The clock is ticking, I have to go.
He fled, glancing back at the sad, lone figure behind her.
Well, he thought. Only way to go is forward.


Then his own heart burst.