Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Sweet Pea, What's all this about?


Sweet pea
Apple of my eye
Don't know when and I don't know why
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

Sweet pea
What's all this about
Don't get your way all you do is fuss and pout
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

I like the Rock of Gibraltar
I always seem to falter
And the words just get in the way
Oh I know I'm gonna crumble
I'm trying to stay humble
But I never think before I say

Sweet pea
Keeper of my soul
I know sometimes I'm out of control
You're the only reason I keep on coming
You're the only reason I keep on coming yeah
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

Home for the Holidays


I'm home. Another reason to consider myself lucky, I suppose, as not everyone is able to return & rest, to breathe for a bit.

KT and Asu came with me on a trip to Sonora, CA - wine from a snow-made freezer, crackers and burritos and cheese puffs and viet sandwiches (food is love, after all), well-endowed snowmen, screaming sled rides, wiping out across powder and ice - all to return back to SJ for Christmas in the Park, two sets of hands laced together weaving and waving our way through a crowd.
Last night, a night with the hSU siblings, Penelope (an adorable movie, with one of my favorites - James McAvoy! Insert girlish squeal here), and Wimbledon. And ,my friends, oh the bananas we made. Crepes with bananas, nutella, powdered sugar and syrupy goodness, banana bread (half with chocolate chips, and none for the purists, you see), and fried bananas, the success of which could be debated, as Jsu and I both got burned by the deep frying process. Nevertheless, it was a wonderful weekend with loved ones, and today, I'll hopefully help my dad out with some technomological business.




Or I could go for a run.
Yeah... after last night's sugar rush, crash, and coma, a run and a salad would be nice.


On another note, it seems that, with an excess of time and love, the domestic inside of my tears herself from hiding to sprint outside with the sole mission of drastically increasing my caloric intake. Oh hello, love handles.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Chinese Fried Bananas

Instructions, verbatim, from my father via cell phone:

50 flour, 50 cornstarch

Mix batter with water put in bananas, throw in deep fryer

All crispy J add oil ½ cup part oil 1/2 part sugar no water, melt and stir, then drop fried , stir realfas 15-30 seconds, dip into ice water

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wilde & Hegel

"Who, being loved, is poor?"
Oscar Wilde

"For the consciousness of the Save has experienced anxiety - not about this or that circumstance, nor for this or that moment - but concerning its own total being; because it has felt the fear of death, the absolute master."
Hegel

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A different sort of paint

Dear Self,

I don't know whether this is your inner hyperactive female or consumerism at work,
but please,
please,
please,
stop buying makeup. It looks so unnatural on you. You don't wear it often enough. You're lazy. Why do you need stila? Why do you own dior? Well, fine, someone gave it to you, but still. What in god's name could you possibly do with two fistfuls of makeup brushes? Well I don't know either. Four blushes don't do you no good. Pink eyeshadow makes your eyes look swollen, and you have six purples. Six. Lordy. You could make a mural with what you've got. And lets be honest here... Y'ain't goin' ta use it!

Do our own thang, girl.

Love,
The Natural Self.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Andrew Zuckerman

Isn't he adorable?
This is the one that first caught my eye. You can buy two of his prints on 20 x 200


Zuckerman's "Flower" series looks like glass.


All photos belong to Andrew Zuckerman

Monday, December 6, 2010

in my world, we sing very loud

Truth be told, I feel a bit strange dedicating posts.

Candor is a valued quality no longer, and as the flow of our words cease, stoppered by social constrictions, emotion's sheer intensity looks impossible to scale. So I hide, we hide. Preferences for polite present the being as washed out versions of thought. Appreciation of extremes smothered in platitudes for laymen and the illiterate.

If we externalize ourselves, our thoughts by way of action in reality, does the reverse hold true?
I cease to recognize quality, significance, magnitude.


So here, tucked in a dark corner of the world wide web, away from cynicism and pessimism, I want to say.

I love you. Because I love you, I love your generosity, your loyalty, and your sharp sense of humor. I admire all these qualities in you, and more. Your readiness to help out a friend, to freely give favors, and to expend your resources with an endearing smile. Your attempts to listen to half-exhaled, whispered conversations in the dark hours of morning, even if you couldn't understand a word. Your ingenious way with inflection and intonation. I admire your easy-going way with people, your unique way of setting them at ease. I've always told you things in confidence that I know you wouldn't share. I will treasure seeking comfort and leaning on your very capable shoulders. I love your appreciation for romance yet your sensible advice. You're an adventure hunter, but you still don't mind staying up watching cheesy disney movies and laughing. I adore the fact that I can be quiet and loud around you. You've got a way with tech stuff, and display remarkable patience in pedagogy, be it with technical terms or guitar lessons.You're dedicated. Who else would wait outside for twenty minutes without a phone? That meant a lot to me, even if I was passed out and my parents turned you away. You have an adorable, shy and humble way about you. I think you know what your strengths are, and are modest when unaware. An endearing quality, to be sure. I can trust you with responsibility and fun time. You can take my nonsensical emotional and jumbled self in the mornings and my silly doggy-piling self.

So, hands over shoulders and waists, pink umbrella and trapper hat, rain boots and sandals, there wouldn't be anyone else I'd rather be trudging (and laughing) my way with through a downpour.


I can love you without words. I already do.
But sometimes, I don't know how else to communicate the hows or whys.






"I like the way youre not afraid
Youve got the world planned in your mind
People say you cannot do it
But they dont know a friend like you

The girl you love has gone away
Still too young to know her heart
Shell return her love renewed
Cause shell never find a friend like you

When I had no one to call
All the world had shut me down
I showed up at your door so blue
Thank God I had a friend like you

Any times Ive gone without
A home, a meal, a pair of shoes
If you had three youd give me two
There aint no other friend like you"

Catullus 7


You inquire, my Lesbia, how many of your kisses
are enough and more than enough for me.
As big a number as the Libyan sand-grains
that lie at asafoetida-bearing Cyrene
between the oracle of sultry Jupiter
and the sacred tomb of old Battus;
or as many stars, when the night is quiet,
see the secret loves of men.
So many kisses for mad Catullus to kiss you
are enough and more than enough, [kisses]
which neither the curious can count
nor an evil tongue bewitch.

Quaeris, quot mihi basiationes
tuae, Lesbia, sint satis superque.
quam magnus numerus Libyssae harenae
lasarpiciferis iacet Cyrenis
oraclum Iovis inter aestuosi
et Batti veteris sacrum sepulcrum;
aut quam sidera multa, cum tacet nox,
furtivos hominum vident amores:
tam te basia multa basiare
vesano satis et super Catullo est,
quae nec pernumerare curiosi
possint nec mala fascinare lingua.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Home is where...




This weekend was such a blast! I guess its good that I had fun before I buckle down for dead week. Khoi and Donald came up for the AJ RAFAEL concert, and a during intermission, Asu called me to ask if I was in Berkeley for a spontaneous visit! So sitting in my room at five a.m. with my roomie and her friend on her bed. Khoitoi, Donald, Asu, and Frank all sitting on my floor counting numbers for sips. :)

They are the best.

Edit: The only problem with having home with you, is the absence when its gone. It only makes me miss the creature comforts of easy relationships and laughter.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You've got a love like woe







Knowing I've got you at my back makes life so much better.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Munch.


The semester's almost over. Had quite the adventure today, going to Gregoire's, John's, two Andronico's and Whole Foods (a.k.a. Hipster Central with Baaaaaank!)
Honestly, samples are quite possibly the best grocery store lure ever. I had so much free hot spicy apple cider I had to use their restroom!

P.S. Doesn't this Compost Cookie from momofuku look marvelous? Salty & Sweet, mmmm...

Monday, November 29, 2010

You can count on me like 1, 2, 3

Sometimes it feels like I need to constantly explain myself. I need to explain my relationships.
As if I actually knew what makes people stick together. Thankfully, I remember its none of your goddammed business.

I think its just proof that you only know me less than you think. If you did, you'd understand how much it terrifies me to think about losing people to the enormous, soul-sucking monster that is Romantic Relationships. You could go a whole lifetime with maybe three intensely loyal, trustworthy platonic friends. A romantic one? Don't make me laugh. When I get backed into a corner, I get panicky. I tend to lash out stronger than I should, admittedly causing a rift that may take weeks to right itself. I will never risk a friendship for a romantic one (again).

So don't you dare suggest that we should become anything other than what we are, or that its impossible to be friends this way, this close. I may be wary of a boyfriend every step of the way, but of a boy/friend/girl/friend, I'm putty.

So, when you rain on my parade, understand that you're asking me to question, and by questioning, to doubt my loved ones. You're asking me to be on guard and suspicious with people who were easy to be with. No, I don't know what it means when we hold hands or sleep together, but it sure as hell isn't your place to ask, and I won't let you warp a perfectly functioning relationship with your misconceptions and preconceived notions of what a relationship is supposed to be. I am lucky to have who I have. Look at it this way, I love my friends, and hopefully, they love me. Its greedy to ask for more.

I don't want to lose my temper, but if i hear the word "fuckbuddy" get carelessly tossed from your piehole one more time, I swear I'm going to tell you that your head's so far up your ass you can chew your food twice. Don't shit on my relationships. If you have to insult me, aim it at me. Please don't act like you nkow the way we work, because if I sure don't, I'll be damned if you think you do. To try and give me a knowing nod and smile, murmuring "mmhmm, surrrrre" makes me frustrated that you'd be arrogant enough to pretend to know, well, anything.


I'm probably overreacting, but is this an honor thing? This post is probably too specific and angry to stay up, but maybe when I figure this out... I'll collect and deal with you I suppose. Because I sure as hell am not going to have this conversation more than once.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Back in Berk, with work to do

An interesting break, most def. Saw lots of faces, felt lots of love, ate incredible food.

I hope i'm ready to tackle my next assignments with all those people rootin me on

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hmm had an interesting conversation with sonne today

I think I might hvae offended Cchoi :X I forget that I wasn't that close with everyone... I wonder if she's peeved. Ah, internet sarcasm... I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I wish you love

I wish you bluebirds in the Spring,
To give your heart a song to sing;
And then a kiss, but more than this I wish you love.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Goin' down to motown

I don't think I blog about my personal life. My personal, public life anyway. Does that make sense? No names, no specific circumstances.
Last night was the first night I've ever actively done anything. Now its morning, and I'm still wondering what possessed me!
p.s. I've finally located the foreigners in Berkeley. Germans, Frenchmen, and Englishmen. Ahh, finally.

Edit: It seems silly, but its been a long time since anyone was interested me, so I wonder what you mean when you say you want to meet again... This also means you should text me soon, idiot. Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I know you're not going anywhere. The benefits of being a foreigner, yes?

p.p.s. "Ich habe Deutsche kennen gelernt!"
"...You know the german you learned?"
"...I got to know germans, you weenie"
"oh. I was kinda close."

Saturday, November 20, 2010

As much as I enjoy being a social animal, I value my personal alone time. Highly. So excuse me if I kick you out, because I just want to mush around in my bed. Excuse me, and thank you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dear God,

I have the best friends ever.

It seems like every time I have a spectacularly shitty day, by some twist of fate, someone swoops in and brightens it up. After losing my roomate's cardigan (and thinking of the prospect of telling her for five hours), my coffee mug, and my shoe, I retraced my steps all over campus (unluckily I was feeling adventurous today and criss-crossed everywhere), only to still be missing MK's cardi.
Sigh.
Grumpy, cold, and tired I went over to Unit 2 like KN asked me to, impatiently pacing the courtyard and waited for him.

"You didn't come to class today, and I thought you might be staying up all night and stressing - I remembered midterm week. I got you something."

A giant Tupperware filled with pineapples, strawberries and raspberries. How did he know?! Ahh <3

KN made my day!

Was ich will

Want, want, want. Forget 'wish', this is the word on everybody's lips. Maybe I want it all. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I shouldn't bother, but...
She's so big now. I wonder if she remembers me. I wonder how long it'll be until she forgets. I wonder how long it'll be until I forget. Probably never.

I would have loved her with everything I had. I know, I know. She isn't mine. Oh, but the stories I could've told her, the piggy-back rides given, wonder shared - that is what I offered. She has nothing to do with me, now. Don't forget me.

In vain I wish.

Monday, November 15, 2010

He's on your mind


It's like I need to tell my story. Like it's already bubbling below the surface - my surface. A little tear in my protective skin will only release this torrent, she struggled to say. Only I can't ever actually say it. If you wonder, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Do you understand the difference? I mean, come on, she said, you can trust me.

She only ever wanted someone to love. This morning, this day full of promise, carried by breeze and light, swirled across her face, gently ruffling her sleep-tousled hair. Light stretching across the sky, stroking the senses and bringing the city to life. A gloriously sweet moment, meandering together in the quiet, being quiet. How great the comfort from sleeping side by side, loving touches asking for nothing but human contact. She loves to wake up next to him, to know she can lie unconscious and vulnerability to one of the finest people she has had the honor to know, and the world will be all right in the morning.

It wasn't until later that doubt settled in. How could only a possibility send her racing for the hills? No, she protested, no way. It would never be like that; it couldn't. Skeptical brows and dismissive hands to greet her. Affectionate kisses and hugs analyzed and questioned.
She's so easily swayed, her walls ready to rise. Are you kidding me? What a joke, he sighed scornfully. The key to putting her down, he said conspiratorially, is to always remember fear. Her fear, to be precise. That she will love too hard, too long, and lose it all. See? It doesn't even have to be a boyfriend - anyone she loves that hovers between acquaintance and lover. Every time they leave, a chunk of her goes with them, and she's gotta crack sometime. Whispered secrets and vulnerability are dreams of the past, don't you know?

This morning was full of promise.



Geez, I want to be friends with you all so bad, but I can't. If only they had a cure-all for bullshit.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hi Anita!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Fuer dich, den Sonne und den Mund

Oh. I can't believe - I didn't think - How did this happen? You have taken me off guard. I am humbled.
I believe nothing is worthwhile is won through pushing and needling. Nothing long-term. So, for you to say you'll wait patiently until I trust you enough to show you my skeletons, my broken bits? How unexpected. How refreshing. How thoughtful. I mean, really thoughtful.
I think I've just been won over.
To have a decision, even when its a decision rightfully mine, surrendered to my discretion. It's completely taken me by surprise. This really is the last thing I could've seen coming tonight. In all honesty, my respect for you has grown. The past has a way of clinging to my skin, smearing my present and future with an oily unkindness,and I am loathe to think of my life this way - I cannot stop comparing, especially so soon. So what I mean to say, how I make excuses for myself, is that after constantly pursuing and trying to patiently tease the answers out of others, you are welcome in my life. I'm still not going to make this easy for you. Now that I know what you're capable of, I'm terrified to let you close. If you can get past my cynical&bitter self...? You will be an excellent friend.

So. This is for you, den-Sonne, before I know you'll ever get to read this - and keep your chin up, the way you are, you will.






Edit: I think I adore this post because a) its not angsty and b) its about a platonic boy friend and c) i learned something new about someone

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Za Vas, Freund

Double-posting? I must be avoiding homework like the plague.

You're a good listener. You have this very intense way about you - something unnerving - that reminds me of TNB. That's why I can't ever date you. I would never sign my life away like that again. Honestly, the cons are not about you, its about me. That's self-centered, sure, but I'd be a fool not to guard myself. Can't hand out love like candy, you know. I thought I was over this - I mean, I clearly had this conversation with you, but you...don't...recall. Once I decided not to give a shit, my life gets so much easier. None of this jumpy, fluttery mushy shit. But you never really asked me what I wanted, just like I never asked you out, or whether or not the crush was reciprocal - it isn't about you.

He had me because he was alone, he didn't have anyone else. I don't want that. I want to come as I am, and for you to do the same. I don't want you to want this because your friends say so, or my friends say so, or I try to invent reasons to walk home with you, or because I reached out first. I want you to want me just because. Not because I'm conveniently hanging out with your friends, or because it just "makes sense" or the way I make you feel - because that would make it all about you, wouldn't it? Not because it makes you feel special, or that its a confidence booster, or because "its a learning experience", or because you enjoy being pursued. You're so similar it scares me. Both passive, quiet, prefer one-on-one talks. I swear you quote him. People ask me if I'm afraid to get close, and why the hell wouldn't I be? I'd be a fool not to be. Also, I despise waiting on other people to define our relationship. If anything were to happen, he and I would meet on equal ground, as partners and friends. None of this power struggle, wishy-washy, miss you hate you crap. I'd rather be alone and without you than be with someone who's only settling out of convenience.

No convenient relationships, sir. I'll be damned to continue this if you don't prove yourself. If everyone else has to, why shouldn't you? You are so special, and you don't see that - but why should I prove it to you if our relationship centers on only you?


Does this mean my sanity has restored itself?

This weekend, I bade many things farewell.

My social life, for instance. We're a bunch of grannies in teen bodies. We love to nap, eat, and bicker about both of the aforementioned.

You. I went through a massive cleanse last week - deleted photos and memories.

Him. "Um, K, wtf are you doing? This? Over a boy? Oh please. That's right, I have a damn good point." Enough social noobs!

Hello, new life.

I may be horrifically failing math, but I'm getting an A in my upper division german philosophy class. Yes!

I bought my first sports bra. This is a big deal.

DM, MW, BO, JS - you are my faves. Hands up, down, sideways.

It seems to be so easy to just slip into the mindset of having a boy around. I forget that that only makes me weaker and dependent. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my control again. I'm grateful nothing ever came of "I kindasorta have a crush on you." Maybe one day I'll be ready again, but for now, I'll practice treating myself out! Its such a better use of my time. Exercise, school, eat, talk = consume me, please. I won't trade physical or emotional intimacy for nothing less than what I deserve. I'll admit, I do miss spooning and cuddling. Thank God my bed is so ridiculously comfortable that I'm not exactly willing to share anyway.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"So Good" Resounding

Life is so sweet right now. Yeah, classes are a pain and my grades are horrifying, but, you see, there are several bright points:

I think I maybe might go back to church again. "To forget to death of dreams, to forgive heartache, to begin to feel joy" is what I want.

Y'all are pushing me to "get the ball rolling", but I'm perfectly content with my unsightly blushes, with still questioning and wondering. I don't want a relationship. It's enough just to recover. I think the lack of initiative is actually kind of nice, and it gives me some illusion of control over where this is going. I'm also content to just be friends. When I can look at 'm in the eye without frantically darting away, well... we'll see where it goes from there. To enjoy bone crushing hugs, intelligent conversation, and the occasional hike is enough. Reasons not to date still stand, but as JS and BO say, "No one has a clean slate."

I don't want to be idealistic anymore.

Fun dinners have officially begun! I'm glad BO and MW are in my life, for sure. They make me laugh so hard I think I'll throw up.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pop, Crackle, Wait, What?

Feels like I'm about to cross a line. Head tilted back and its gone. I don't want to be dependent, but I'll do what I have to do get things done. I know you won't approve, but I do what I have to. You should understand that. Or will you?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Takes Too Long

I'm not new at this, she admitted. Sweaty shaking hands tremble while a the nervous stutter land her words on the cutting board. A tremble tangles up the words in her windpipe. I'm not experienced either, came the murmur. Her thoughts tumbled through her mouth like laundry from the wash - damp, and slightly unpleasant to the touch.

I have no idea what I'm doing

There are so many cons.

**Edit: Okay, I lied. There are virtually no cons. The cons are all minor details. He's kinda perfect.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Drowning in you




Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss within the cup
And I'll not ask for wine.
The thirst that from the soul doth rise
Doth ask a drink divine;
But might I of Jove's nectar sup,
I would not change for thine.

I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
Not so much honouring thee
As giving it a hope that there
It could not withered be;
But thou thereon didst only breathe,
And sent'st it back to me;
Since when it grows, and smells, I swear,
Not of itself but thee!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

My Sign Is Vital

I wonder what is that makes me gravitate towards certain kinds of people. They all aren't certainly alike, and I really only want a sense of humor and happiness in the people I hang out with. I certainly admire kindness, but i isn't something I can informally do, and while some things irritate me to no end, nothing has disrupted my smooth sailing so far. I've had two conversations tonight - well this morning, rather - about the same thing, both cheered me up immensely for cracking me up:

T: omg
K: ITS NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.
T: if i was in your situation
T: i'd sayim practically balls deep
K: HAHA
T: no! i think thats a good thing!
K: But all our conversations are LEGIT
T: o_O
T: BALLS DEEP
K: getting to know you level = 8
T: BALLS DEEP
K: HAHA
T: WHATS YOUR HESITATION!


AH: "her short tiny bit of sentences exude charm off the screen"
AH: "it is almost palpable"
AH: "smothering me like ablanket"
AH: "made of pink sparkly glitter dust"
AH: "I'M SUFFOCATING IN PINK SPARKLY GLITTER DUST, ANDREW"
AH: "WHAT HAS YOUR FRIEND DONE"



I had a really lovely time today with my neighbor's family and MW at dinner! We went to Cheeseboard and bought two full pizzas, sitting inside and listening to the jazz triplet play, then walked to Crepevine for a delicious Santorini crepe, strawberry cheesecake, nutella and banana crepe and hot chocolate for the family. We didn't get to go to Love At First Bite, but MW, BO and I shall endeavor to venture down to North side for fun weekly dinners. Huzzah! Afterwards MW and I walked back up to CKC so that I would work on my philosophy paper... and when MW returned and I was grumpily mugging my laptop screen, she pulled out a swim cap. And not just any old swim cap, but a bright blue one that looks like the one above (from Kiefer swim products) an promptly stretched it over her head. BO walked back in my room and she proudly displayed the cap, asking "B, what does this say?"
"I'm having a good time!"
"Nooo..."
"I'm having a SHAMU of a time!!!"

Oh lord. The fun will never stop. I laughed so hard I almost "wee"d (In CA's lovely words) myself.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Twirling her sick lullabies

I consider myself lucky. Recently whenever I feel myself get a bout of sadness, I devote myself to the first activity I can think of. Fortunately for me, I'm developing rather solid relationships with my building-mates and neighboors (that one's for you, KT!). However, I seem to be horrendously attached to my cellular phone. Guess who I check for?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Excerpts from "Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals"

" There is therefore but one categorical imperative, namely, this:
Act only on that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it become a universal law"

Second Formulation: "Act as if the maxim of your action were to become by your will a universal law of nature."

Third Formulation: "So act as to treat humanity, whether in your own person or in that of any other, in every case a the same time as an end, never as a means only."

"Now I say: the human being and in general every rational being exists as an end in itself, not merely as a means to be arbitrarily used by this or that will, but in all his actions, whether they concern himself or other rational beings, must be always regarded at the same time as an end...The foundation of this principle is: rational nature exists as an end in itself."

Immanuel Kant

I have to go

So let's find a bar, where we forget who we are, where all the scars from the "never"s and "maybes" die.




Out tonight.

Mucho love to Abby and Khoi for listening to me whine and stalk :)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Medicinal tongue in my ear


She says, "You're a masochist for falling for me"



So roll up your sleeves

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Das Herz hat seine Gruende die Vernunft nicht kennt.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

They always make a fool out of you

I think i might be obsessed. It's more than a little disturbing.


On the down side, it was her fourth birthday this sunday.


On the plus side, I had a fabulous dinner with a bunch of friends at foothill the other night. Laughed so hard I got stomach cramps. "That's EMBARRASSING!" "Will you guys be here when I get back? I love this table. Not you, just the table."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Air-ea

"So make your decision as you see fit"


The sudden tenderness, the quiet approval and trust renders me shaken. I want to return to sleep. Shrinking distance between the emotional avalanche threatens stable reality. I want to be rooted again, without the stinging pressure repeatedly thrusting me underwater. My spine cracking inaudibly in an attempt to straighten and stand up. We are fragile glass. We exist in the delicate moments of dusk and dawn. Spin us once more, see how we shine.




Let me breathe (again).

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Quiet World

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
and to also appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond,
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

Jeffrey McDaniel

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Emotions Revealed

"...this critic presumed that emotions are words, which, of course, they are not. Words are representations of emotions, not the emotions themselves. Emotion is a process, a particular kind of automatic appraisal influenced by our evolutionary and personal past, in which we sense that something important to our welfare is occurring, and a set of physiological changes and emotional behaviors begins to deal with the situation. Words are one way to deal with our emotions, and we do use words when emotional, but we cannot reduce emotion to words."

-Ekman

Saturday, September 4, 2010

One quick...

post before i'm off to berkeley again. I came home last night for mi madre's birthday and really just spend time with the family. Now i'm jetting off again (already)! Next week Vuhu's coming to visit (my roommate insists he brings pho) and the week after, khoitoi's coming! :) :) :) I'm excited to have these pieces of home with me for the weekend(s).

GRAHH! I sort of wish everyone would be home at once so we could all swap stories (or go to different colleges, but all live together).

p.s. i failed my first math quiz. 4 out of 10, huzzah! :'(

Sunday, August 29, 2010

#14

,, Imperfect piety or love on the part of the dying person necessarily brings with it great fear; and the smaller the love, the greater the fear."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I dream of taxis. One quick, fleeting moment tearing through my mind before waking up to shaking hands and laughter.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Oh, ellen


How can anyone resist a charming bike, dress, shoes and girl?

Friday, July 30, 2010

Don't wish, don't start


Wishing only ruins the heart.

Turning Around The Corner Now





As a freshly single girl (is that a phrase?), I spend a lot of time reading blogs, news, magazines, and the occasional romance novel. I end up delving into old archives, stories, and most importantly, advice. And with the invention of the internet, oh the amount of advice. Name the topic, and there are hundreds of thousands ready to pipe up and offer their two (or fifty) cents.

Alas, there is no crushed heart. Nothing broken, nothing lost.

I am standing on my own two enormous yet fully functional feet.

With the amount of time and space i'm given, I find goals for myself. So here, are

"20 things i wish i'd known at 20"



1. Consider the source. If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.

2. Get off the couch. If you find yourself playing hard to get, don’t pretend to be busy. Just be busy.

3. Don’t waste your time. If you have to play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.

4. When in doubt, shut up. Silence is a smart negotiation tactic, the best option when you’re processing how to respond, and always more productive than lying about what you’re thinking.

5. Don’t complain. Maybe venting makes you feel better, but letting off steam can also lull you into maintaining the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo is pissing you off, which is why you’re whining in the first place. If you’re frustrated, turn that energy toward fixing your problems, not bitching about them.

6. Don’t obsess. Worrying is complaint’s ugly cousin. Either use that energy to change your situation, or relax.

7. Find an age-appropriate style. No one wants to see a 20 year old in beige slacks and a wool blazer. Buy trendy clothes, wear the slutty dress, do something ugly with your hair. Be part of your generation, so you can laugh at the photos later.

8. Be polite. It keeps doors open, lessens the potential for misunderstandings, and increases the odds of getting invited back to the beach house.

9. But defend your boundaries. When someone isn’t taking no for an answer, clarify what you want, and then respond forcefully. Being polite to someone who isn’t hearing you is naive.

10. You look good. There’s no such thing as the hottest person in the room. Everyone is attracted to something different, so just take those odds and run with them.

11. Being nice is overrated. In fact, “nice” is the least interesting thing someone can say about you.

12. Keep it to yourself. “She seems nice” is an excellent thing to say about someone you don’t like. Particularly in the company of people you don’t know.

13. Know your audience. When you’re telling a story and someone interrupts you, let them.

14. Let your passion shape your profession. You know that thing your dad says? “If work wasn’t hard, they wouldn’t pay you to do it.” Please. There are professional rock stars, astronauts, puppy trainers, and bloggers.

15. Sex is personal. Don’t bother with one-night stands if they’re not your thing, and don’t judge people for enjoying them (or not). Waiting to sleep with someone doesn’t make you an uptight prude, and jumping into bed doesn’t make you a spontaneous adventure seeker.

16. Focus. The saying, “what you’re thinking about is what you’re becoming” isn’t just chilling, it’s a universal law. Be aware of how you’re investing your attention – including your words, and your actions.

17. Cut yourself a break. Don’t offer a running commentary on your own faults. When you do, the people around you listen. Give yourself space to change your character.

18. Don’t be intimidated. World travelers are just people who bought plane tickets. Pulitzer Prize winners are people who sit alone and write. You can break the most profound accomplishment down to a series of mundane tasks.

19. Choose good company. Ask yourself if a person makes you better or drains your life force. If the answer is B, you’re busy next time they call. And the time after that.

20. Enjoy your body. Odds are you’re more beautiful now than you will be again. Ask your roommate.


list from mightygirl.com

Thursday, July 29, 2010









Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Three (or four) weeks till i'm gone, and i can't seem to grab anyone to stand still with me.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I AM GOING TO SEE WICKED AT THE APOLLO VICTORIA TONIGHT!!!!

Wild shrieking ensues.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Roma, Day Uno

Right now i'm sitting on my hotel's fourth floor balcony looking over the streets below. On my right seems to be an apartment complex of some kind with the vatican walls overlooking the area, and on the left is a busy intersection with scooters, vespas, little cars, buses and smart cars.

Across the street is a small ristorante I've yet to check out, right next to a pizza e kebab sore I went to yesterday for a kebab maxi (5 euro). three blocks down, for dinner last night, I went to a pizza place for some kind of pizza with round slices of cheese on top of the cheese already therem with some kind of fish/meat bits in it. yum! the owner guy is from North Africa and toasted the pizza and talked to me for a bit about where i was from before he wrapped up the pizza for walking&eating. The pizza place shares the room with a gelatto area that overlooks the street in front.

To backtrack a bit, at 530 am June 22nd i woke up and got ready (showered) for the flight. V came by to say good bye and gave me a letter to read when I got to Europe, and my uncle came at 7 to take us to SFO. At SFO we took a 1 hour flight (boarded at 10, flight ??) to LAX where we transferred to anoteher United airlines (SUCKS) flight to England's Heathrow Airport (9.5 hour flight).
On the flight to london, UA provided dinner (chicken, or pasta? Pasta, please!) and breakfast (cold chicken, ham and cream cheese sandwhich with strawberry yogurt) and drinks in the middle. Boy did my butt, big as it is, hurt after 5 hours. There was two 3 year old boys behind where I was sitting, who yelled and fought for the entire time, and a baby somewhere that kept crying. However, wth thte eyemask and blow-u[ travel pillow my dad provided me, i napped in 2 hour intervals after finishing Invitcus, a movie about nelson mandela and the South Africa rugby world cup (Morgan Freeman and Matt damon). Once we got to london, it was 630 am london time, and we were sent to Terminal 1 by a worker. We got through the entire customs check security and into the actual terminal before we found out we were supposed to be in Terminal 4 :'[ by then it was around 730 and we took T1 to T4 bus! There was only my mother, padre and i in it! This was the only time i was outside of the heathrow airport, and it was fun watching the driver maneuver a HUUUGE empty bus aruond the airport terminals (approx 10 min ride) . Heh, with all the brit accents and the bus, it felt like a Harry Potter movie! >)
At T4, we had to wait until 1140 to know which terminal Alitalia (airline) was going to be at (flight boarding technically at 1220) so we had a LOT of time to kill! there were a lot of high end shops there, and it was, as airports usually are, verra verra expensive. Mi padre and i ate at Bridge Bar & REstaurant - two large pieces of toast with eggs and peppered salted smoked salmon while he drank coffee. At WHSmith (drugstore-ish place) I spent forty minutes trying to decide which magazine I wanted. What made the decision so hard? Well, unlike America, in the UK the magazines come with free stuff.
Yes. FREE STUFF.
Shampoos, body wash, lip gloss, totes, bags, sunglasses, 3 types of benefit eye penils, etc. How could I resist?! I eventually chose GLAMOUR UK's Women of the Year mag that came with BAD gal eyeliner :) huzzah! My dad bought newspaper that came with free agua. Because we still had 2.5 more hours to kill, I wandered in and out of shops like Boots and Beauty Box (?) and MANGO until my dad got tired. He lay down on a pleather + mental bench and slept for an hour while i erad my new mag. Earlier, we let my mom lying down on a bench somewhere and when we got back, she was nowhere to be found, so we gave up and assumed she woudl show up eventually :) At 1140, we checked the flight and went to gate 3 to look for my mom but she wasnt there! so we went to the Quiet Praryer Room to look for her (yeah, they exist!) but she wasn't there either, so we lay down on these reclining leather chairs to wait until the flight came. At 1220, we went back to check for mi madre, but she still awsn't there! My dad said that if she didnt' show up, we'd still go without her, Heartless! But promptly after he announced that, we heard our names beign called over the loudspeaker to be...exactly where we already were, so we waited until mi madre showed up. I was jet laggy on the 2 hour flight to rome, so i kept winking in and out whiel trying to focus on the view. My head rolled around and drooped and snapped back and forth until we landed.

ROMAAAAAA

We collected our baggage and waited for my sister (flying from lisbon) to meet us at the airport. I went around with mi padre (madre on a bench) to go get cash euros, a roma pass (metro pass and free museums! for 3 calender days, recommended!) and 2 sim cards (from Wind, very nice wrookers in the airport! first extended conversation with english speaking italians who thought i was 16 years old :'[ its the new haircut). We met my sister shortly after wand waited for our driver from the Best estern Hotel to pick us up. He drove a large grey minivan that was super roomy inside and box-like in s hape. he didn't speak a lot of english, but told me that he's been in roma his entire life. There was about an hour's worth of traffic getting to rome, but the view made it worth it! All the cars hwere are ultra tiny, and the driving is insane. WHERE ARE THE BLINKERS, PEOPLE. AND THE SPACE BETWEEN CARS? NONEXISISTENT. i swear i thought the driver was going to hit peoploe and vice versa.
The hotel had a nice lady with a chic asymmetrical black bob and a tall skinny african american man in the front. Our room is on the fourth floor (but in europe, its the 5th! floor 1 is 0 :O )with a balcony with 3 chairs and a table, and inside there's 4 beds (thank god i don't want to share with my sister...)). While my parents unpacked and shoewred, my sister and i went aruond to walka round the city, and my sister bought pizza (1.55 euro) and the kebab for my parents. When we returned 3 blocks later, i went out by myself to the pizza place and bought my own. Next door to our hotel is a small, very cute grocery store that i visited before i went inside.

the hotel has 3 bikes their guests can borrow during the day, and i def plan to utilize that :) I want to ride around and be FOREIGN! At night we walked around the vatican walls to St Peter's square and took a bunch of photos! Then we walked down the street to a night market and bought coffee gelato (2.50) yummy! my sister and i sat on the railings lining the river and talked whil watching the cars and the castles and statues around us. Walking back to the hotel around 11, we passed by a gelatto place with a ton of peoploe outside to check out the prices (1.50 for a small! i'll be back, heart!) and when we got back to the hotel, my sister discovered that the place wwas one recommended by her friend to have the best gelatto around here :)
After taking a shower, and washing my socks i fell asleep.

this morning I showered and waited for my sister to go down to the breakfast provided by the hotel in the lowest floor.
3 juices: misfruit (best!), orange, and grapefruit
3 cereals
5 types of pastries: all dusted with powdered sugar mmmm
toast, 2340928 types of bread with butters, honey, jams and nutella
Freshly cut fruit: watermelon, cantelope, and a mix (pineapples, coconut, kiwi, peachesm, apples, etc)
I'll try more tomorrow :)
the signor serving coffee was lovely.
I stuffed myself and took my favorite pastry to go (round, flaky, sweet, with raisins dotting it). Mi padre, sister and i walked around the markets downt he street until we saw my mom and split up in pairs. My sister and i went back to toudi (?) store next to the hotel to buy bobypins and mousse. I am her sugar momma with them euros. Later we'll tour the vatican museum and sistine chapel.

the weather's pretty warm right now; i'm almost sweating! Everyone's pretty nice here and they either greet you with bongiourno (good morning?) or bona cera (good evening).

This afternoon, italy plays someone in the world cup at 4 so my sister plans to take me to a bar so we can meet some new people! I'm ultra excited. Meeting new people is my favorite part of going to a new country!

Ciao, readers! :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

For the frightened fall as often yet far closer than the brave






We’re the have not’s but the have all’s,

At twice the speed of lightning I travel,

Through the universe I will run to write your name in the stars,

Cos some truths will last forever,

Music can bring the world together,

I got life man I will use it til they lay me down to rest,

So let’s party in the supermarkets,

Move to the rhythm of my heartbeat