You can count on me like 1, 2, 3

Sometimes it feels like I need to constantly explain myself. I need to explain my relationships.

As if I actually knew what makes people stick together. Thankfully, I remember its none of your goddammed business.

I think its just proof that you only know me less than you think. If you did, you'd understand how much it terrifies me to think about losing people to the enormous, soul-sucking monster that is Romantic Relationships. You could go a whole lifetime with maybe three intensely loyal, trustworthy platonic friends. A romantic one? Don't make me laugh. When I get backed into a corner, I get panicky. I tend to lash out stronger than I should, admittedly causing a rift that may take weeks to right itself. I will never risk a friendship for a romantic one (again).

So don't you dare suggest that we should become anything other than what we are, or that its impossible to be friends this way, this close. I may be wary of a boyfriend every step of the way, but of a boy/friend/girl/friend, I'm putty.

So, when you rain on my parade, understand that you're asking me to question, and by questioning, to doubt my loved ones. You're asking me to be on guard and suspicious with people who were easy to be with. No, I don't know what it means when we hold hands or sleep together, but it sure as hell isn't your place to ask, and I won't let you warp a perfectly functioning relationship with your misconceptions and preconceived notions of what a relationship is supposed to be. I am lucky to have who I have. Look at it this way, I love my friends, and hopefully, they love me. Its greedy to ask for more.

I don't want to lose my temper, but if i hear the word "fuckbuddy" get carelessly tossed from your piehole one more time, I swear I'm going to tell you that your head's so far up your ass you can chew your food twice. Don't shit on my relationships. If you have to insult me, aim it at me. Please don't act like you nkow the way we work, because if I sure don't, I'll be damned if you think you do. To try and give me a knowing nod and smile, murmuring "mmhmm, surrrrre" makes me frustrated that you'd be arrogant enough to pretend to know, well, anything.

I'm probably overreacting, but is this an honor thing? This post is probably too specific and angry to stay up, but maybe when I figure this out... I'll collect and deal with you I suppose. Because I sure as hell am not going to have this conversation more than once.

Back in Berk, with work to do

An interesting break, most def. Saw lots of faces, felt lots of love, ate incredible food.

I hope i'm ready to tackle my next assignments with all those people rootin me on

Hmm had an interesting conversation with sonne today

I think I might hvae offended Cchoi :X I forget that I wasn't that close with everyone... I wonder if she's peeved. Ah, internet sarcasm... I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

I wish you love

I wish you bluebirds in the Spring,

To give your heart a song to sing;

And then a kiss, but more than this I wish you love.

Goin' down to motown

I don't think I blog about my personal life. My personal, public life anyway. Does that make sense? No names, no specific circumstances.

Last night was the first night I've ever actively done anything. Now its morning, and I'm still wondering what possessed me!

p.s. I've finally located the foreigners in Berkeley. Germans, Frenchmen, and Englishmen. Ahh, finally.

Edit: It seems silly, but its been a long time since anyone was interested me, so I wonder what you mean when you say you want to meet again... This also means you should text me soon, idiot. Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I know you're not going anywhere. The benefits of being a foreigner, yes?

p.p.s. "Ich habe Deutsche kennen gelernt!"

"...You know the german you learned?"

"...I got to know germans, you weenie"

"oh. I was kinda close."

As much as I enjoy being a social animal, I value my personal alone time. Highly. So excuse me if I kick you out, because I just want to mush around in my bed. Excuse me, and thank you.

Dear God,

I have the best friends ever.

It seems like every time I have a spectacularly shitty day, by some twist of fate, someone swoops in and brightens it up. After losing my roomate's cardigan (and thinking of the prospect of telling her for five hours), my coffee mug, and my shoe, I retraced my steps all over campus (unluckily I was feeling adventurous today and criss-crossed everywhere), only to still be missing MK's cardi.

Sigh.

Grumpy, cold, and tired I went over to Unit 2 like KN asked me to, impatiently pacing the courtyard and waited for him.

"You didn't come to class today, and I thought you might be staying up all night and stressing - I remembered midterm week. I got you something."

A giant Tupperware filled with pineapples, strawberries and raspberries. How did he know?! Ahh <3

KN made my day!

Was ich will

Want, want, want. Forget 'wish', this is the word on everybody's lips. Maybe I want it all. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I shouldn't bother, but...

She's so big now. I wonder if she remembers me. I wonder how long it'll be until she forgets. I wonder how long it'll be until I forget. Probably never.

I would have loved her with everything I had. I know, I know. She isn't mine. Oh, but the stories I could've told her, the piggy-back rides given, wonder shared - that is what I offered. She has nothing to do with me, now. Don't forget me.

In vain I wish.

He's on your mind

It's like I need to tell my story. Like it's already bubbling below the surface - my surface. A little tear in my protective skin will only release this torrent, she struggled to say. Only I can't ever actually say it. If you wonder, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Do you understand the difference? I mean, come on, she said, you can trust me.

She only ever wanted someone to love. This morning, this day full of promise, carried by breeze and light, swirled across her face, gently ruffling her sleep-tousled hair. Light stretching across the sky, stroking the senses and bringing the city to life. A gloriously sweet moment, meandering together in the quiet, being quiet. How great the comfort from sleeping side by side, loving touches asking for nothing but human contact. She loves to wake up next to him, to know she can lie unconscious and vulnerability to one of the finest people she has had the honor to know, and the world will be all right in the morning.

It wasn't until later that doubt settled in. How could only a possibility send her racing for the hills? No, she protested, no way. It would never be like that; it couldn't. Skeptical brows and dismissive hands to greet her. Affectionate kisses and hugs analyzed and questioned.

She's so easily swayed, her walls ready to rise. Are you kidding me? What a joke, he sighed scornfully. The key to putting her down, he said conspiratorially, is to always remember fear. Her fear, to be precise. That she will love too hard, too long, and lose it all. See? It doesn't even have to be a boyfriend - anyone she loves that hovers between acquaintance and lover. Every time they leave, a chunk of her goes with them, and she's gotta crack sometime. Whispered secrets and vulnerability are dreams of the past, don't you know?

This morning was full of promise.

Geez, I want to be friends with you all so bad, but I can't. If only they had a cure-all for bullshit.

Hi Anita!

Fuer dich, den Sonne und den Mund

Oh. I can't believe - I didn't think - How did this happen? You have taken me off guard. I am humbled.

I believe nothing is worthwhile is won through pushing and needling. Nothing long-term. So, for you to say you'll wait patiently until I trust you enough to show you my skeletons, my broken bits? How unexpected. How refreshing. How thoughtful. I mean, really thoughtful.

I think I've just been won over.

To have a decision, even when its a decision rightfully mine, surrendered to my discretion. It's completely taken me by surprise. This really is the last thing I could've seen coming tonight. In all honesty, my respect for you has grown. The past has a way of clinging to my skin, smearing my present and future with an oily unkindness,and I am loathe to think of my life this way - I cannot stop comparing, especially so soon. So what I mean to say, how I make excuses for myself, is that after constantly pursuing and trying to patiently tease the answers out of others, you are welcome in my life. I'm still not going to make this easy for you. Now that I know what you're capable of, I'm terrified to let you close. If you can get past my cynical&bitter self...? You will be an excellent friend.

So. This is for you, den-Sonne, before I know you'll ever get to read this - and keep your chin up, the way you are, you will.

Edit: I think I adore this post because a) its not angsty and b) its about a platonic boy friend and c) i learned something new about someone

Za Vas, Freund

Double-posting? I must be avoiding homework like the plague.

You're a good listener. You have this very intense way about you - something unnerving - that reminds me of TNB. That's why I can't ever date you. I would never sign my life away like that again. Honestly, the cons are not about you, its about me. That's self-centered, sure, but I'd be a fool not to guard myself. Can't hand out love like candy, you know. I thought I was over this - I mean, I clearly had this conversation with you, but you...don't...recall. Once I decided not to give a shit, my life gets so much easier. None of this jumpy, fluttery mushy shit. But you never really asked me what I wanted, just like I never asked you out, or whether or not the crush was reciprocal - it isn't about you.

He had me because he was alone, he didn't have anyone else. I don't want that. I want to come as I am, and for you to do the same. I don't want you to want this because your friends say so, or my friends say so, or I try to invent reasons to walk home with you, or because I reached out first. I want you to want me just because. Not because I'm conveniently hanging out with your friends, or because it just "makes sense" or the way I make you feel - because that would make it all about you, wouldn't it? Not because it makes you feel special, or that its a confidence booster, or because "its a learning experience", or because you enjoy being pursued. You're so similar it scares me. Both passive, quiet, prefer one-on-one talks. I swear you quote him. People ask me if I'm afraid to get close, and why the hell wouldn't I be? I'd be a fool not to be. Also, I despise waiting on other people to define our relationship. If anything were to happen, he and I would meet on equal ground, as partners and friends. None of this power struggle, wishy-washy, miss you hate you crap. I'd rather be alone and without you than be with someone who's only settling out of convenience.

No convenient relationships, sir. I'll be damned to continue this if you don't prove yourself. If everyone else has to, why shouldn't you? You are so special, and you don't see that - but why should I prove it to you if our relationship centers on only you?

Does this mean my sanity has restored itself?

This weekend, I bade many things farewell.

My social life, for instance. We're a bunch of grannies in teen bodies. We love to nap, eat, and bicker about both of the aforementioned.

You. I went through a massive cleanse last week - deleted photos and memories.

Him. "Um, K, wtf are you doing? This? Over a boy? Oh please. That's right, I have a damn good point." Enough social noobs!

Hello, new life.

I may be horrifically failing math, but I'm getting an A in my upper division german philosophy class. Yes!

I bought my first sports bra. This is a big deal.

DM, MW, BO, JS - you are my faves. Hands up, down, sideways.

It seems to be so easy to just slip into the mindset of having a boy around. I forget that that only makes me weaker and dependent. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my control again. I'm grateful nothing ever came of "I kindasorta have a crush on you." Maybe one day I'll be ready again, but for now, I'll practice treating myself out! Its such a better use of my time. Exercise, school, eat, talk = consume me, please. I won't trade physical or emotional intimacy for nothing less than what I deserve. I'll admit, I do miss spooning and cuddling. Thank God my bed is so ridiculously comfortable that I'm not exactly willing to share anyway.